Thoughts on the Ability to be sexually aroused or to orgasm

I'm going to explore some thoughts here. Maybe I'm very unusual but I don't really think so. I haven't always enjoyed sex but recognised early on that it was a combination of technique and emotional or mental state (mine). Based on what I've read (and I read extensively) and have experienced, I'm just a couple years from 40 years of being sexually active, I think that just about any healthy woman should be able to enjoy sex. Granted someone with a hormone imbalance or some other health issues simply may not.

I'm multi orgasmic and with my current sexual partner I've never not orgasmed. He is caring but not romantic. In the past I've had times, some extended, when I've shut down sexually and to some extent emotionally. This was when I was in a negative relationship where my needs simply could not be met and for what ever reason I was unable to leave right away. I would, at least in certain emotional areas, including sex, shut down, essentially go numb. It's not a pleasant experience.

I jokingly have said many times here that if I'm happy, I'm horny. That's really true. This came about through a series of self realizations and taking responsibility for my sexuality. I'm still working on it. Here's the deal, as I see it, an inept or abusive partner can cause you to pull away and shut down but your emotional state is the real determinate factor. Shut down is a survival response. What you really need to do then is re-examine why you are there, if it is salvageable, or if you need to get out. Communication can go along way in some cases.

We are bombarded with societal and familial messages that are negative to sexuality. Many of us are very inhibited because of a deeply ingrained fear of being judged negitively if we are sexual. This can be hard to overcome and I'm convinced it is the root of most women's sexual frustrations. Many confuse being loose and sexually agressive or making public displays of sexual behavior with being sexually responsive. We still know very little really about women's sexuality (or men's for that matter) there are variations in our bodies and so in what we respond to. But the brain is the biggest sexual organ and it's what goes on in your head that can completely cut off your ability to respond to what goes on with your body. At some point I may attempt to explore what I think it takes to overcome this, but I'll have to give it some thought.

So the point I'm working on so far is that it is possible to be highly orgasmic even without foreplay or romance or a lot of other things that many people believe to be essential. I say this because because I've done it. What is needed is a state of arousal. That is mental/emotional. How do you get there? I work at keeping things juicy all the time. I associate virtually everything with sex. I see sexual symbolism all over the place and I get quite a kick out of it. It's a state of awareness and being. My sexuality is not me, but is a big part of who and what I am. I am a woman and as such am a deeply, profoundly sexual being - as we all are. It is a huge part of what drives all life. As humans we are very fortunate, I think, to have sex be an act of pleasure, emotion, fun, whatever we choose to make it and when ever we choose to have have it. Few creatures have this flexibilty. Unfortunately we humans have chosen to turn it into a highly restricted means of controlling each other and gaining power through creating guilt.

Sexuality is a gift and should not be shared indescriminately. It is better within a committed relationship where you can really get to know each other and with a good partner it can deepen and improve over time. It takes communication, cooperation and some work.

So how to keep it juicy? Exersize and healthy diet play a role. Kegels are important but so is general physical condition. You don't have get to the level of an olympic athelete but staying toned and healthy helps. A generally positive outlook on life helps. People who walk around POd all day don't generally feel very sexy. This doesn't just happen, you have to stay aware of your mental state and adjust it when it slips. Don't look at red lights as impediments. they give you breathing time, do a few kegels- along with the vibration of your car you may start looking forward to those stops in traffic. Enjoy them. A line in the grocery gives you a chance to chat with your neighbors in line - it's all a matter of prespective.

Smile at people, laugh whenever you can - I don't do enough of that still. Work on finding positives and then start working on keeping your thinking juicy. Mama Gena offers some good advice on that in her books. Talk about sex, you don't have to be crude but don't be afraid to throw it into your conversation - you may be surprised. I had a talk with a nearly 80 year old neighbor the other day that might have surprised some people, we didn't invent sex and older people have quite a bit to say about it.

Getting into and staying in a state of low level arousal that can be quickly turned up, is a matter of practice and training. Just like taking up a sport, like running. You don't just throw on a pair of running shoes and sign up for a 10K. You have to work up to it, get into shape, stretch, learn to keep alignment, how to place your feet. The same is true with getting your mind and body into sex. It takes regular work or play, depending on your perspective. If you see it as work you probably won't get there.

Regular self pleasuring is important. Don't let yourself get too frustrated, give yourself some relief and learn what works. Experiment, try tantric techniques of pleasuring yourself with no thoughts, focus only on what you feel. Try fantasizing about different things, get kinky in thought, look up some stuff and see if you can get your self going with it. (doesn't mean you have to or want to do it) just see where the fantasy takes you. You can cover a lot of territory with that. What works best for me is visualizing the man I care for. Some sex therapists say that's not a good idea because if you are reliant on that and they walk, then where are you? But I can cum with all sorts of visualisation, that's just my most intense. Make love to yourself, not just sexually. Give your self a pedicure, a scalp massage, buy yourself flowers, don't wait for some poor, mostly clueless male to make you feel good and indulge you, do it for yourself. It took me a long time to realize how important that is.

Try to make all your interactions with your sexual partner a form of foreplay. When you are close enough for whatever reason, be aware of his scent, his nearness, his masculinity. Really look at him, see the little details, the hairs on his arms, the shape of his nose, how he stands and moves. I think the more aware you are of someone the more they generally respond to you and you repond to them.

Laugh together. Enjoy each other, find ways to make each other right instead of wrong. People who live on the defensive have trouble relaxing and being sexy. Find ways to keep yourself and your partner thinking sexy, you don't have to be blatant, subtle can be very effective. Even dressed conservatorily for business you can ditch the panty hose in favor of stockings, and go without underware. Forget perfume, use your natural scent. This is not a matter of contrived behavior but of making and keeping your sexuality simmering naturally. Take time to find things to enjoy, to look at and smell the flowers, examine ladybugs, choose the fabrics that come in contact with your skin for their feel and color. Don't wear anything that you don't feel good in.

No doubt there is a good deal more to be said on this but this is a starting point. We each have different responses to specific things but in general terms we aren't so very different.

I often think about the choices people make, the choices I've made, often poor choices. In retrospect, actually in some cases even at the time, better options are clear but not taken. People will chose what is less convenient, less safe, less attractive, more difficult but which provides no offsetting gain at all.

I have a clear example of this with snow. The buildings I live in have two sets of outside stairs. One set stays very protected from the weather, these stairs are always clear and dry. The other set is very exposed, they get wet, icy, piled with snow and they are almost impossible to keep clear, let alone make safe. There is no significant difference getting out the front or to the parking area by using either set of stairs. I will go out to shovel snow soon, I've already peeked, people have been up and down the snow packed stairs. In the past I've put up caution tape closing off the stairs. People go under the tape to sue these stairs. WHY?

I don't know. One explaination is that they are idiots who have gotten into the habit of using one set of stairs and the idea of going another way just does not compute. Another possibility is that they are hoping to slip to and fall so they can sue. Why someone would want to injure themselves and possibly live with pain and disability for years is hard to say. Maybe they want a challenge? That's a pretty lame one but perhaps they like lame challenges? I don't know. But I suspect if I could get some insight into this I just might understand myself and others better.